My laziness or is it lack of ambition?

 

She’s fierce, right?  She is my logo for the review site, Harlie’s Books.  I love her and she is me when it comes to reviewing.  Not so much when it comes to writing.

Let me back a moment.  I wrote a book.  Yes, I really did and the dozen or so people that read it and loved it.  I never made any money on it nor did I achieve any kind of ranking on Amazon.  But I was proud that I did something that a ton of people have never done or will do in their lifetime.  I published a book.  No one can take that away from me.  But what happened after that book was published is something that I want to talk about.

I thought more people would read it.  I toured with it and got really good feedback but no sales.  In fact, some people in the publishing world were downright cruel to me.  “Stick to reviewing.  You don’t know how to write a book.”  That was the nicest thing that I can put here.  Plus, it didn’t help that most of my blogger “so-called” friends supported me.  I had one blogger that did and actually liked the book.  I still support her to this day.  The others?  What can I say?  Not so much.  Of course, two of them are best-selling authors now.  I supported them in the beginning but I got absolutely NOTHING in return.  Hell, I didn’t even get an acknowledgment but that’s another blog, for another time.

The crit group I was in is/was awesome!  I can not say enough about them.  Helpful, encouraging and kind.  So why did I stop submitting things to them?  Honestly, life got in the way.  Moving, loneliness, anxiety from the move, money issues, and then still having to learn how to live with diabetes.  Plus, we realized that I needed to work outside the home and finding a job in a small town is NOT easy.  So, I decided to substitute teach in our school district.  I work almost every day of the school year now.  When I get home, I still have the house, husband, and kid.  I realize that other people have bigger problems that I have and they STILL write.  It’s a passion for them.  Not so much for me, I’m guessing.  I can’t make myself sit down and type the words.  If I have any time left in the day, I’m reading.  It’s how I relax.  Writing is NOT relaxing to me.  It’s anxiety to the max for me.

I could be jealous of my old crit partners, Anne Lange and Elle Boon for their huge success but I’m not.  They had the drive to write and the passion to do it.  I do, however, miss talking to them.  I miss my bestie, Krista Ames, too.  Now that she is writing in box sets, I never talk to her anymore.  Life has taken us in two different directions.  I love that she is successful now.  No one deserves it more.

So as I wait for the results of a writing contest that I entered, I have to ask myself this question…what happens if I place?  Eek!  I never thought passed just having the courage to submitting to the contest.  The reality is that if I’m asked to finish the story, I’m not sure if I can or will.  I work almost every day now and while the review site is slow, I’m still dead tired when I come home.  I actually like to spend time with my family and be able to do things on the weekend and not be tied to a deadline.

Does this make me lazy or do have just have no ambition to write?  Sure, I write reviews but I’m not paid for those.  Oh, wait…I never got paid for that book I wrote either.

I don’t need advice.  Just wanted to share my thoughts.

I will let you know if I place or not.  Honestly, I can’t wait for the feedback.  Placing would be a bonus.